The Odtaa Files are off on holiday – staying in a computer free zone – will we survive? – we don’t know – these threats of socialising – healthy walks – having conversations – are rather scary.

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year

See new improved Odtaa Files site in the New Year – with magic ingredient Z – which will greatly enhance your life – making you rich – making you successful – making you attractive to whoever – or whatever – you are attracted to – giving you improved health – helping you slim without exercise – yet still eating chocolate.

Seriously have a good holiday

I was criticised after the talk for calling myself English – rather than British. I have thought about this a lot. If I was born in Scotland – I would have no problem calling myself Scottish – in Wales – Welsh – so why should I – who was born in England – not call myself English. I accept the fact that often people use the word England – when they should mean Britain and an easy way of getting yourself thumped is to go to ask is that Glasgow, England – actually untrue – the average Glaswegian is extremely friendly – even to the English.

I know a lot of people – didn’t call themselves English as the word – and the flag – got taken over by the extremists – and to call yourself English was almost a suggestion that you were a thug – or caused trouble at football matches. Interesting the term ‘ooligan’ – in Japanese – has changed in meaning from hooligan – who was going to smash the place up – to hooligan – meaning English – within the context of being lively – possibly – with a red, white and blue painted face – possibly a little bit drunk – but in a pleasant way – due to the good behaviour – good nature – of the English football fans in the world cup.

Over the last year the St George’s cross and the word English has been recovered and is inclusive – and I actually feel proud to be English – proud of England – and I feel that we may be able to recover some of our lost sense of identity. I know there is still a lot of racism – and anti-foreigner feeling – but it is lessening.

I belong to a group where I can practice public speaking. I decided to talk about Europe – and I tried to explain that I felt that being part of the EU was having an enhanced nationalist – ie I’m English first – but with the addition of being European. This is different to say most Americans – who are generally American – but a few from places such as Texas or New Yorker – may think of themselves as Texans or New Yorkers first – American second.

I illustrated my talk with a banana – scenes of the non-existent battle between Britain and Germany over the shape of banana – as letters in the Mail stated – we didn’t fight a war so that the Germans can tell us what shape our bananas are – and I heartily agree – none of my history text books mention the banana as even a minor cause of the conflict.

So I pointed out that the conflict – was in fact a negotiation – where the civil servant in charge of bananas – discussed, chatted and argues – at great expense to the EU taxpayers – the shape and import regulations and quotas concerning bananas – and the great EU Banana Strategy was developed. The Germans ending up straight bananas and the British with their more curved variety.

Then I described the ‘Great Banana Trade War’ where America – who doesn’t grow commercially any bananas was attacking the EU – who don’t grow commercially bananas – because the guy who had all the banana concessions in South America paid considerable amounts of money into the Democrat and Republican parties – so we had a feud that threatened a blockade of French cheese and Scottish knitwear being imported into the US or having massive import taxes put onto them. This was eventually resolved by the World Trade Organisation.

Then in Britain we had the ‘Metric Martyrs’ – some jobsworth in the Trading Standards department decided to prosecute a market stall holder for selling bananas by the pound. This is just an example of bad implementation of EU law. Nobody buys bananas by weight – you buy by the hand – and how the stall holder works out the price is his business. I believe there should be a conversion table set up on a noticeboard in every marketplace so that buyers can convert.

Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.”

Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court,

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Angus Deayton (Deaton) is back. Radio Active is back – one of the funniest – and one of the cruelest radio shows ever. Listen to it on internet radio on BBC Radio 4 Radio Active.

This demonstrates that Angus Deayton is not just a reader of autocues – but a talented performer – how’s about considering him for as the replacement presenter of ‘Have I Got News For You’ – I believe there is a vacancy for this post at the moment – and the jobbing agency – seems to be short of staff these days – well it is near Christmas – and you can only get people who won’t work in the shops.

I have almost done all the Christmas shopping. This is frighteningly organised for me. Thank you Borders for having a good selection of books and calendars.

Awkward people to buy for are a 14 year old boy distant relative – at 6 we could buy him anything to do with cars – and 7 – and 8 – but 14. I also have a grandson who grows bigger every month and I am totally out of touch of size – interests etc etc – so I have found a token present – and – copping out sent money.

My usual tactic is to go shopping at around three on Christmas Eve – the shops are full of people – lots of stuff has gone – so there is less choice – and you get caught up in the excitement – your common sense gone – and you get interesting presents – or a load of tatt – to use a Cockney expression – which you give to people who buy you – sensible socks – hankies – or clothing you cannot be seen in – so in a way this is a fair exchange.

The firemen have been told that they will only get 11% pay rise – although there had been a provisional agreement with their employers – local government – for a 16% rise. Both these deals require some modernisation – while I agree with some changes – I am greatly concerned with the plans to effectively reduce the force by 20% – or – to get rid of one in five firemen.

Modernisation in the UK has nearly always ended up with a worse service – a good example is the National Health Service – where there was some slack in the provision – which meant that the service was able to deal with emergencies and problems better. However the real serious effect of modernisation has been to demoralise NHS staff and to destroy the concept of a team. So now the cleaners are employed by contractors – the nurses are from a temporary agency – and the managers are on temporary contracts – looking to make a quick impression before moving on to the next higher paid job.

Short term solutions and short term strategies have destroyed a lot of what was good about the NHS and caused serious problems – such as selling off cottage/local hospitals has caused bed blocking. Selling off accommodation has meant that lower paid staff cannot live in the big cities – which is the cause of the staffing crisis. No accountability has meant that the wards are dirtier and so on and so on.

So modernisation will have a serious effect on the morale of the fire fighters. Modernisation will mean that instead of the teams such as ‘Blue Watch’ and ‘Red Watch’ you will have revolving shifts – which will keep the accountants happy – but will make the teams less effective – will make the job – just a job – not a service.

The other big concern is terrorism – who will be in the front line to deal with bombs, crashed planes or chemical and biological attacks? The Blair government by adopting a very aggressive stance – backing – and promoting – George Bush’s planned war with Iraq – has made Britain number one target for an attack. Making the job of fire service much more dangerous and life threatening.

So I repeat the following two questions – if the fire service is modernised

… how many firemen’s lives, lost, will be acceptable for the cost savings?

… how many public lives, lost, will be acceptable for the cost savings?

Will the politicians responsible for the moderisation – actually take the responsibility for their decisions — I think not – by the time it all goes wrong – they will be in a different job – in a different department – and will lay the blame on someone else.

Recent links

BBC News coverage

Fire Strike latest

Fire Brigade Union

… that employing people who make good guests – or even poor guests is not the way to run ‘Have I Got News For You’. Lisa Tarbuck is a brilliant performer and reacted well when she was on before – but making her chair – is ridiculous – she’s not an authority figure – it would be her and Paul – behind the bike shed – pouring sherbet over some poor first year’s head – and telling them they had dandruff – or sticking the sign with – KICK ME – on their backs.

And Charles Kennedy – ok in the role – of idiot to be pulled down a peg or two – and – anyway – why is he not kicking the crap out of the Blair – why is he not running the Liberal Party – while the Tories are playing at – I want to be alone – quietly. Well – I actually turned off – I am actually going out when the programme is on – more seriously I want to see programmes that are on – shhh – the other side – when ‘Have I …’ is now on.

The guest presenters are all frightened – of not being good enough to get the job – which they’re not going to get anyway – and they are frightened of getting a mauling from Paul – but he’s clearly being told to tone it down a bit – or they’ve put something in his tea – or he needs someone like Angus to wind him up a bit. And so far – no one has read an autocue as good as Angus.

So a good format – an easy format – has been destroyed – because – the tabloid press want a victim – and Angus was it. This means they have the right to knock off performers one by one – skeleton by skeleton – all for a cheap story. Any popular presenter in the BBC will eventually be doomed – on a quiet news week – or doing something wrong – at a party – or with the wrong people – and – er – and I’m sure Angus will agree me – should prostitutes have a professional code of practice – or should be looking at charted prostitutes – that could lose their license – if they breached their privacy agreement.

However you – the BBC – you Jane Lush – who I believe is in charge of Light Entertainment – you need to get Angus back – but I suspect that no one at the BBC would have the guts to do that – after all management can’t be wrong – or the BBC needs someone very different – but with authority – as suggested by the Odtaa Files – Angela Rippon could do it – or you could be really radical and employ someone new – but good – like Stephen K Amos – a black comedian – used to dealing with the real rough houses of stand up – but good with new acts – that is he knows when to control – when to let go – and when to bring people out – but let him do it his own way – but again no one in the BBC will have the guts to try him out – or if they did would have to control him.

So Angus Deayton (Deaton) you will be the last real presenter of Have I Got News For You – it will probably last another season – but slowly die – lose rating – as ITV eventually puts something decent on – like ‘celeb mountain biking’ or ‘You’ve Been Famed edition 902′ – where people hilariously fall over – sometimes even by accident – but Paul and Ian will have to start looking for other easy earners.

is an assistant with bad hand writing

So I end up misreading the appointment card – and I arrive two days early for my appointment – or do I really need glasses?