We have had a disturbing report from the traffic police. A well respected tax collector – Paul of Tarsus – was speeding on the approach road to Damascus – we believe he must have been travelling at over 20 cubits an hour – when he was flashed by a traffic lantern.

He fell off his camel and was found in a confused state and taken to the nearby Damascus Hospital A&E department. After being kept in over night – he exhibited a complete personality change – kept on insisting his name was Paul – and discharged himself. He then left his job – started travelling around – and kept writing – what are called missives – to all and sundry – using green ink.

Doctors are not able to say whether this is a mental breakdown or drug related. However there concern that the incident is connected with the Christian sect – which is a group of people we strongly suspect of criminal behaviour.

In the beginning was God.

And God said ‘Let there be Light’

… and there was Light.

And God said ‘Separate the light from the darkness’.

… and the light separated from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.

And God said, ‘Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.’

… and God saw the land appear on a world of oceans.

And God said, ‘Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth.’

… and the earth brought forth vegetation, plants and trees bearing fruit. And God saw that it was good.

And God said, ‘Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens.’

… and God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves under the sea.

And God said, “Let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth.

And God made the beasts of the earth and the cattle and everything that creeps upon the ground.

And God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”

… but at his point Mrs God shouted – your dinner’s ready – and its getting cold.

God called back ‘But dear – I need to finish my work.’

‘Come down now.’ shouted Mrs God ‘You’re dinner’s getting cold.’

God hurriedly made man and then went downstairs.

‘Why can’t you get a proper job – like all the other deities’ complained Mrs God ‘I don’t know – up there in the attic – messing about with all those lights and things – its not a proper job.’

‘Yes dear’ said God in a sad voice.

Yesterday was wet – very wet – and we couldn’t get the car to start – so we didn’t go to the cinema – because it was too late to get by public transport – and – it was a long way by public transport – so…

… we went to see a friend of friend’s art exhibition – which was linked to an open day of the artists – who have studios on Eel Pie Island – which is famous for its bohemian past – and is an interesting mixture of homes – boatyards and small studios.

It was wet – and I have lost my hat – and the hood in my coat isn’t waterproof – and it goes all over my eyes – so I can’t see properly and after five minutes – it soaks through – and makes my head wet – so by the time I get to the bus – my hair is wet and it is about this time I discover my shoes aren’t waterproof – so I have a soggy sock.

The bus comes and takes us near to the exhibition – we get off and walk by the river – in the rain – with my soggy sock and water starting to go down the back of my neck – making my collar wet. I walk through puddles – I walk through mud and the rain – well rains – that persistent – not heavy – but cold – and damp – and it sticks to you – as my hood gets sodden – and the back on my collar gets sodden – and now both my socks are sodden – sodden the lot of them (new English epithath).

We find the studio – which is in what was the stable – of a museum – near the bridge to the island – and I am impressed – very large abstracts – well displayed in a large room – I liked a couple of white painting – which seemed to illustrate a misty landscape – both sold – as had much of the exhibition.

We drank wine – and talked – and drank again. A little later we walked in the dark over the bridge to the Island and saw glass work and pottery. We bought glasswork – for older daughter and pottery. We went home – to warmth and dryness and relaxed – talking and watching TV. Quite an enjoyable day.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The softness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

from the inbox

Should you employing a ‘style guru’ or should you be developing your own ‘brand’ – this is the big debate that is hitting the media after Cherie Blair (also known as da judge (part time) Booth – no doubt with a honorable worship – or m’lud stuck in front) fiasco. Should she have allowed herself to be influenced by style advisor – Carole Caplin – and getting entangled with super conman – Peter Foster.

What Cherie did was a littler silly – was in fact very silly – but with the pressures of a very active life – including law – working with charities – mother – and having to live with Tony – she has little time for chit -chat and so would have seen Foster as a quick fix – for someone buying a flat – and why not buy one get another one cheap – which would have been a good investment.

So when the Mail on Sunday rang up Downing Street the appropriate response should have been – two words – the second one is OFF!!!! – we don’t answer questions about the Blair’s private life – but the spin doctors do like to control everything – so – they responded – and they don’t seem to like it up them – don’t seem to like it up them – so maybe they’ve learnt not to get involved in everything.

So I have learnt my lesson – I no longer cannot afford a style guru – to make myself look good – but should save the money I don’t have by not employing a self branding expert – which in my poor state at present means I have a higher level of ambition.

In fact I had started on this track already – there are quite a few writers – journalists – and even an associate producer of ‘Diagnosis Murder’ with the same name as my self – I had to therefore rebrand and in 2003 – Pau Odtaa – becomes my brand.

Paul – my real name means gentle – Pau – is well more dynamic – particularly if you used to read American comics – and Odtaa – one damn thing after another – is the title of a book by John Masefield- it is the one part of my English Literature – in fact the one part of my secondary school – I enjoyed – well apart from sneaking off games to go fishing – and – well I was fourteen – the appreciation of the girl’s new summer uniform – with its defective buttoning – and leaving.

from the files of Pontius Pilate – Jerusalem AD/BC

Further investigation into the suspect suggests that his natural father could be a major cause of concern. We know the father is known by many aliases including Jehovah and Emmanuel. He is well known locally – but impossible to find. He seems to be very influential. He is suspected of running a gang – including Gabriel – suspected of supplying drugs to shepherds and another associate Satan – who is believed to have fallen out with his boss to form a rival gang. People also talk about the ‘host’ – which we believe is some form of protection racket.

We know the father was either responsible, or certainly associated with, the use of biological weapons of mass destruction in Egypt – the three plagues – and was involved in the attacks and riots in Sodom and Gomorra – which we believe was an attack on rival racketeers – in addition we are seeking him for the disappearance and believed murder of Lot’s wife.

We are still trying to work out what was happening in the ‘Great Flood’ incident – why the area was flooded? and what his believed associate, Noah, was doing with a collection of animals – we have yet to understand – the excuse of saving the animals for breeding – seemed a bit far fetched – and the suspicion of planning to start up an illegal theme park is speculative.

We are also looking for him in our investigation into the smuggling of weapons to those attacking the city of Jericho – the destruction to the city walls is still a mystery to our military experts. The explanation that the walls fell down because of the poor quality of the Joshua’s music is laughable.

An alert has been sent out and anyone apprehending the self styled ‘God’ will be greatly rewarded. A minimum reward of 30 pieces of silver will be given as a reward.

Christmas started well yesterday – I went to a carol service in the Savoy Chapel – which is a mixture of traditional, well known carols and the choir – from St Pauls – perform difficult Christmas tunes – including one in Italian. We then went to a reception in the Institute of Electrical Engineers – on the embankment – shades of Faraday and British engineering and scientific pioneers. We then rounded the evening off with a coffee and Baileys in the Savoy Hotel.

About 11:30 last night we took one of the cycle rickshaws around London and then to Waterloo station. It was quite an interesting experience going around Convent Garden and charging through the traffic in the Strand – very scary as the rickshaws didn’t seem to have brakes and the driver seemed to have no sense of fear or self preservation.

We scattered groups of pedestrians and without losing momentum charged in front of cars in the backstreets of London. However the scariest bit was going across Waterloo Bridge which has a long downward slope culminating into the large busy Waterloo Bridge roundabout – where cars aggressively challenge each at other at speed.

The rickshaw speeded up – about a hundred yards from the roundabout – we jerked suddenly to the right – blocking a taxi – yes – a taxi – and it backed off – and then momentum built up. Cars were rushing around – our driver sped up – he stood up – so that he could kick down harder – closer – I could see the cars – I could see the trucks – and we were still speeding up – I shut my eyes – we hit the roundabout – and the cars just parted – and a minute later we were whizzing up the pavement outside Waterloo. I paid and walked rather shakily to the station.

At the tender age of 49 my Christmas was ruined when I was told that the real reason that Santa’s coat was red – was because of a Coca Cola adverting campaign in the late thirties – green didn’t go well with the red of the cola label or the look of the drink.

However a great eccentric on the BBC TV breakfast show has put my mind at rest. In Victorian times the British post man wore a red cloak and on many Victorian Christmas cards – Santa was portrayed as red as opposed to green or blue on continental Europe. Interestingly the nickname for postmen was robins – which was how the link between the robin and Christmas developed.

He also told the tale of St Nicholas – the origin of Santa Claus – who was always dressed in green – and how he helped a landowner down on his luck – by giving a bag of gold – for a dowry – for each of his daughters – just before they were to be married. The first two he was able to throw the bag through the window – but for the third one – the window was locked – so he climbed up on the roof – dropped the bag down the chimney – and it was found the next day in the girl’s stocking – hung up to dry near the fireplace.

So Christmas has been restored for me.

I wanted to personally extend an apology — Yesterday, @@@@@@@ sent you an offer on behalf of Affordable Healthcare. Per our policy (which can be viewed at http://www.@@@@@@@@.co.uk/privacy.html ) we ALWAYS allow you the opportunity to remove yourself from future mailings. Due to an oversight, however, yesterday’s campaign did not include the following message:

As a result of their sending me junk mail – which offended their standards – I get more junk mail – or is this a new spam technique.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!