.

This afternoon play was a cross between the lighter parts of ‘Trainspotting’ crossed with Del Boy – with a touch of ‘The Plank’ – with the damaged shopping bag – and about 2 minutes of ‘The Office’ meet ‘The Sweeney’ + a happy ending – for the two nice characters.

Based on what looks like the same estate as ‘Only Fools and Horses’ – the play instantly threw you into a case of a ‘dodgy’ character, Jonny Potter, being chased by two heavies onto the estate. Quickly you are introduced to a diverse group of characters from immoral club singer/ supermarket cashier Yvonne and sometime wife of nice postman Derek to her respectable sister Helen.

Oh and Jonny has quite a few problems – the two boxes of designer leather jackets he – er – liberated – erm – belong to ‘Big Ed’ – the local ‘Mr Very Big’ – and Jonny is having hassle getting Mickey – a friend – well acquaintance – well someone he does the occasionally deal with – to agree to store the jackets in his lockup – and – yes – he’s due to get married – to his heavily pregnant girlfriend at midday.

Oh yes – the lift – in the block – the could be Nelson Mandela House – was of course broken – and there was Fat Fred’s coffin – stuck on the stairs – and the wedding party having to slide over it – and the fact that dodgy Mickey was selling off dodgy Jonny’s leather jackets until – well we find out that the jackets – have what was called a ‘Class A’ – that’s cocaine to you Yanks – lining – which made both the police and ‘Big Ed’ extremely keen to get hold of jackets – which were now in general circulation – including Fat Fred – well – Winny his wife wanted to send him off in style.

So Jonny got wed – and then there was the escape from the night club – the car chase – and the fight – and everyone sort of got their just desserts – which included black eyes – and numerous confused arrests.

It is a pity we haven’t got a film distribution like France – an extended version of this play would have made a great film – and would have appealed to an international market – combining crime and working class humour – casting was brilliant – direction was clever – including the small detail – sound track excellent and the script clever.

OK some critics complain that these plays are lightweight – but – these were made for afternoon viewing – and I would suggest that they make good early evening viewing as well. This play was meant to entertain – and entertained I was.

As seen on BBC afternoon television

When you’re happy and you know it, bomb Iraq

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq

If the terrorists are frisky

Pakistan looks shifty

North Korea is far too risky

Bomb Iraq

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq

For our might knows no borders, bomb Iraq

Disagee, We’ll call it treason

Let’s make war not love this season

Even if we have no reason

Bomb Iraq

Quoted by Pandora, the Independent. 28th January 2003

that’s the last time we do it at your place

She was only an undertaker’s daughter,

but she’d always bury a stiff.

She was only the captain’s daughter,

but her naval base was full of seamen.

She was only a road layer’s daughter,

but she liked her asphalt.

She was only a farmer’s daughter,

but she’d lie under any old sod.

She was only a fishmonger’s daughter,

but she’d jump on the slab and say “fillet.”

She was only an oars-man’s daughter,

but she liked a fine pair of row-locks.

She was only the telegraphers daughter,

but she didit didit didit didit…

She was only the batsman’s daughter,

but she could take a full toss in her crease.

She was only the cricket umpire’s daughter,

but her crease was fit for Lords.

from the inbox

In a lecture I attended on ‘ethical issues’ in social research – our lecturer – told us about a young student – keen on dh lawrence – decided to write a dissertation on ‘the influence of literature on the sexuality on women in mining villages’ – or some such significant project.

His methodology consisted of – er – yes – going door to door – without any notice – or informing his tutor – in a Nottinghamshire mining village – asking miner’s wives about their reading habits and sexual experience. At the fifth house he was met by a miner – who was working nights – and being a little- a lot – innocent – he told the miner exactly what he was doing.

One of the conclusions of my research paper – Hazardous Social Research Techniques – is that there is a 99% chance that a male researcher going door to door – researching the sexual experiences of women – in a working class area – will be in a good position – to research the facilities offered in a National Health Service A & E unit – or he could get lucky – but – not being able to keep his mouth shut – or the smirk off his face – he will – with a certainty of 85% – be able to research intensive care facilities – not being awake during the A&E part.

Research in the suburbs is significantly less hazardous – but can be extremely exhausting – due to the long driveways – I’m told.

I got the most significant male-ist men- ist masclinist – well – male orientated book – since – well -ever.

Men and sheds – quite simply is a book about men and their sheds. It shows how a variety of men use their shed to build things – develop their own things – but more importantly – it gives them space – to be themselves.

None of this crap about a group of men hugging – building, assembling, engineering an American quilt – co-operating – working together in harmony – no – this book sends out a very clear message – a man needs to be alone sometime – and – he needs to own space.

Sure he may invite you in – sure he may show you his prize collection – of rusty toys – mishappen bottles – obscene vegetables – but understand – you are entering his personal kingdom – leave well own – do not clean it – do not tidy it – or – when there is an extension – you may be helping – by being part of the foundations – and no all male jury would convict.

In the Spanish Civil War the anarcist painter Laurencic created a number of surreal prison cells. Beds were placed at a 20 &deg angle making it impossible to get a night’s sleep. Walls were angled and blocks placed on the floor so that it was impossible to walk, the bench in the cell tilted so that you fell to the floor. However probably the worst idea was the design of the walls with their many shapes, patterns and tricks of perspective – which combined with lighting techniques caused mental confusion and distress. Definitely torture – but is it art?

So watch out Damien – good bye Tracy – I am obviously next year’s winner of the Turner Prize. Anyone want to recommend their boss, partner – for an artistic experience? – and does anyone know the Channel Four’s commissioner of TV reality shows?

The ten minute quick fix and slight update – has taken over three hours. I didn’t realise that the Blogger.com system wasn’t working properly – and so the reason my updates weren’t working – was nothing to do with me. So unfortunately I have rewritten bits of my system – redone the template a few times – tried to post to other sites – etc etc – arghhhh!!!!

The Odtaa Files will be split into two different sites over the next week. The Odtaa Files will be setting up another site – the Issue Zone to allow more serious campaigning – on issues like iraq and the UK firemen’s pay dispute.

So please bear with me – or bare with me – (not a pretty site and far too cold) – for about a week or so – before normal service is resumed.

This will be the new improved ‘the Odtaa Files’ with the mystery ingredient X – which will give you you everything the spam mailers promise you – a better sex life – health – wealth – educational diplomas galore – and without once HAVING TO TYPE IN CAPITALS – or join a pyramid selling scam – (I got caught on one these once and now own substantial chunks of Egypt – but the government won’t let me sell them on – or move them – watch out for the small print – particularly the hieroglyphics)

Unfortunately due to laziness – pressure from other people – if you don’t wash I’m leaving you – and other demands on my time – well will the couple on the Trisha show resolve their differences if I don’t watch – quite a lot of this site doesn’t quite work as yet.



I’m off to lunch in an exclusive restaurant with my society friends.

beep beep

I have finally worked out why we British do not seem to be able to buy things that work for our military. You know Apache helicopters which fire missiles that blow the tail off – its a good job we forgot we needed pilots to fly the things – our existing transport helicopters and tanks – work fine – except in desert – we have guns – that won’t go bang when you pull the trigger -and even our boots – melt or fall apart in the desert heat.

The answer is quite obvious really. The Americans have identified Roadrunner as an ‘Al Qaeda’ operative. He was obviously being investigated by American secret service operative known as ‘Mr Coyote’. Due to his lack of success at capturing Roadrunner – ‘Mr Coyote’ was redeployed as a liaison officer to British forces.

It was his suggestion that the British use the services of the general trading company, ACME. They in turn provided much of the British army’s equipment as their prices were cheap – and their delivery service excellent – unfortunately they do not seem to have adequate quality control – to provide reliable military technology.

The temperature is 0 Centigrade – and in London it has snowed. Help – I’m trapped in a building and unable to get out – as the trains don’t work – the buses don’t come – and the 12 year old rough boys might throw snow balls at me.

And today we have sun and snow – and melting – and slush – and I still haven’t got new shoes – and the water comes in – and my new socks get wet. I am happy something to complain about.