Had a great walk in the Woodland Gardens in Bushy Park – near Hampton Court Palace – about 6 in the evening. It was lovely – it was quiet with few people about – so the rabbits and squirrels came out. There is an amazing variety of flowering bushes – particularly reds and purples and on many of the paths white blossom. Sorry I forgot my camera – so I’m afraid I can’t share this with you.

Unlike St Patrick’s Day – nothing much happens – it should be a national holiday – we should all be drinking warm beer – and – being harassed by Morris Dancers – and – enjoying ourselves in a restrained – polite way – and then going on – to private tea parties with cakes and things.

Well locally – that’s in Richmond borough – the British Legion (for Americans that’s a Veteran’s organisation) held a parade on the Sunday before – which should have been good – with a grant of £3,000 – from the local council. Which is good – except – the politicians can’t keep out of it – some politically correct idiot said it was racist – as it was pro English – which is nonsense – or should have been nonsense – except the Mayor of Richmond – and Twickenham – and Whitton (same person – same job)- has to go charging in – first saying that it is a good thing to celebrate St George’s Day – which is good – but then goes on ranting about Britain being the bed and breakfast capital of the world – and what have the Yardies and Kosovans (gangs?) done for us – not a lot – but they won’t be coming to the parade – and they certainly don’t want to celebrate with me – and the mayor. (I assume he meant by Kosovans – the East European people smuggling gangs)

So what the mayor has done – is turn – what should be a good day – celebrating all that is good about England – into making St George’s Day – a day which is stigmitised as racist. Why oh why oh why can’t politicians KEEP THEIR BIG MOUTHS SHUT.

So with all the good work done of promoting England – particularly in the World Cup – last year – where the Japanese have changed the word hooligan – from being a mindless English football thug – into meaning someone – someone English – who loves football – and – celebrates well – like it’s alright for the Scots and the Irish to do at rugby – a characteristic to be admired – not feared.

I like being English – we have a lot of plus points – so why do these stupid idiots turn what should be a day of celebration – into something narrow and petty and nasty. Being English I have celebrated St Patrick’s Day and Irishmen have wanted to celebrate with me – I have even been bought drinks by the Scots on Burns Night (Note politically correct police racial stereotyping) – so why can’t we invite all and sundry to celebrate the best of Englishness.

(Whispered aside) Be careful he’s armed.

Excuse me Sir

Yes constable

Could you explain to me what you’re doing?

I’ve come here to save yon maiden from ye dragonne

Which – erm – maiden – would that be Sir.

Whye yon maiden chained to ye rock.

Ye rock – erm – that rock over there.

Whye yes.

Erm – excuse me Sir – are you aware that that is in the grounds of the Surrey Kinky and Sado Klub – and that there is a strong possibility that yon maiden – erm – that woman – is er – quite a happy – in that – erm – predicament.

Butt I am here to kill the dragonne.

Are you aware Sir – that – er – killing dragons is prohibited under the ‘Protection of Mythical Species Act 2003′

Erm – no.

Are you also aware Sir that it is an offence to carry offensive weapons.

But I am a knight – these are the tools of my crafte.

So Sir – you are working?

Slaying dragons is parte of my destiny.

Then Sir I must arrest you.

Post Script

Saint George – freelance knight – from Turkey was arrested and deported as an economic migrant.

A good example of ODTAA – One Damn thing After Another.

My toilet roll holder is broke – and I can’t find my drill – or to be more truthful – I can’t face the hassle of hunting through the garage – which has never been used for a car – but is full of junk – sorry – valuable books – stuff for the house – stuff that should have been recycled a century ago – and tools.

I went to have a pee – and being male – that meant standing up – lifting the seat – and – yes – I do put the seat down when I’m finished – though guys – if you are being nagged – don’t lift the seat up in the first place – then the habit of leaving the seat up – is a less obnoxious habit than leaving the seat damp – but I digress.

I sneezed – proving quite conclusively that men can do two thing at one – in this case peeing and sneezing – and I was able to do this without mishap or missed direction.

Being on a roll – that is being skilled in multi-tasking – rather than anything else – I decided to impress myself – there being no one else in the bathroom – by continuing to pee one handed – a skill most men achieve by early middle age – and grabbing for a piece of toilet paper with my other hand – to blow my nose.

The toilet roll holder collapsed – the virtually brand new toilet roll fell – bounced on the waste bin – and bounced straight into the pan – and immediately started sinking. I was still peeing and this was wetting the dry top of the roll. There was nothing I could do until I had finished.

By now the roll was have submerged with eau d’toillette as the French say and the top of the roll sodden by splash back from my peeing.

Being squeamish – and a sensitive soul – I went and got an old set of barbecue tongs – and put said toilet roll – into three layers of carrier bag and then wrapped it up with the tongs in a large black rubbish sack.

This is all before my morning coffee. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

DOUGH… the stuff…that buys me beer…

RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…

ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,

FAR….. the distance to my beer

SO…… I think I’ll have a beer…

LA…… La la la la la la beer

TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…

That will bring us back to…(Looks into an empty glass)

DOH!

Please note tea can be as satisfying as beer

Sorry

It was – erm – weapons of moss destruction – erm – not – erm – mass – as we – er – first thought. Arabic’s a bit difficult you know. And – erm – Saddam did like his lawns looking good.

Secret Service ‘Mother of All Cock-Ups’ Translation Department

Yet another post has been wrecked by blogger – not only that – it appears yet again uncorrectabel. This could be close to the final straw – I’m looking at alternative blog technologies – sorry

As you get older birthdays get quieter. Had a French breakfast at a local restaurant. Then excitment in the day was to shopping – the local supermarket wouldn’t let me have a coffee – as they were closed – due to technical difficulties. Tried to be clever is setting up joke porn site . Tried to be to clever – and – the technology beat me – so he’s stuck with my first idea. In the evening I was taken out to the theatre – which turned out to be – a satirical opera – about Orpheus in the Underworld – based on an opera by Offenbach – which is based on an idea – by anicent Greeks – too old to sue for copyright.

It was very entertaining – the three acts were based around TV shows – the first Trisha meets Jerry Springer – where Eurydice – Orpheus’s wife is portrayed as the worst that Essex – in a bad peroxide mode – can produce. Orpheus wants to dump her – but after her murder by the evil Pluto – who pretended to be a hippy shepherd – Orpheus is pressured by the TV company and the shows audience to follow her into the underworld.

We then had a scene where ‘the Olympians’ based on the ‘Osbournes’ were the Olympic Gods are portrayed as disfunctional – selfish and always arguing – so a very accurate portrayal. The last scene combines Big Brother and Fame Academy – with the rudest treatment of grapes – I have ever seen in my life. Yes there was also a bit of an orgy and everything sort of sorts itself in the end.

The cast singers and performers from Ealing’s Thames Valley University were extremely good. The casting was absolutely excellent – all characterisation were strong. A very enjoyable evening.

Just been to see the film – a man on a train – an interesting French film – about two men – one a gangster meeting up in a small town – to rob the local bank and the other – a retired school teacher – who was about to have a heart bypass operation. The film was really about how the teacher admired the life of the gangster – and the gangster – could see the benefit of living a quiet life.

The build up to the robbery is quite funny – as the driver is clearly not very bright. It is also interesting from the British point of view as one of the robbers is a failed artist – and he rants about different artists style in a gallery.

The teacher changes because of the relationship wanting a new hairstyle – like someone who has just come out of prison crossed with a footballers. He also persuades the gangster to let him try his hand at shooting a gun. The gangster also mellows – becomes a little politer and towards the end of the film starts enjoying the comforts of slippers and a pipe.

Can’t tell you the ending because it will spoil it for you.

Well what I really want to do is set up a joke porn web site to promote a dubious theme night at a nightclub in Edinburgh. Don’t ask – the decision making process at 2 in the morning – is always a bit – erm suspect. Anyway we check the name out – and – yippee – the name is there – even the .com – so lets go for it – and – no – I’m not telling you the name until the domain is ours.

All went alright on the night – the transaction appeared to go through – but next morning – the new domain has been rejected – but it still appears on my control panel – and – my credit card has definately been charged. Sent email – reply said – contact techncial suppport. Does support want to be connected to me – no – not once – but three times it went horribly wrong – however I do suspect my BT line – is the Pentagon listening in again – are my neighbours using a ray gun on me – and where can you buy green ink.

Anyway I eventually get through – helpful person is polite with me – when I give the wrong account – then the old password and eventually I get the problem sorted. Ho hum