We’ve not talked for a long, long time Bill.

Erm – this Microsoft Outlook – erm – Bill – did it really take tens of millions of dollars – to make it such an awful package to use? I find it really hard to get incoming emails – to go where I want them – well to be truthful – I can get them to go where I want them to go – but – erm – your bloody rule system seems to want to shove extra copies all over the place – so not only am I getting spammed over 100 emails a day – but your system seems to be giving me multiple copies – so I spend more time deleting – what I’ve just deleted.

Anyway the system finally collapsed a couple of days ago – when your – well Outlook’s – rule wizard couldn’t do anything with a rule – and so the package stopped – and froze – and the only way I could get things working was by – closing down Outlook.

After doing this six or seven times – I then took off all the rules – which of course – let the site – which had been sending me viruses – start sending me viruses again – so the next thing I have is McAffee all over the place – telling me to delete attachments with viruses – which I do – and then McAffee tells me to delete the same attachment – which I can’t do – cos – its already deleted – and then I panic – cos – I may not have deleted the virus – so I try and track down the attachment – and I find it – well I find its not there – which then makes me think – it is there – but cunningly hidden – so I close the system down down – and then get every bloody file on the bloody hard drive virus scanned – and then I load Outlook again – and it still goes wrong and then I load the fucking message with the fucking virus again.

So I solve the problem by downloading Eudora – then downloading all the messages – and then bloody Outlook starts working again – to its full bloody capacity – duplicating bloody spam messages and I look at the message rules setup and it is too bloody clever so in typical bloody Microsoft fashion it does not allow me to do what I bloody well want to do.

So I start using Eudora to control incoming messages and again I have problems – which Eudora’s brilliant automated support service – gives me some really interesting answers to fucking questions I’ve not asked – so I pay them – for the bloody package and guess what their bloody support service still won’t fucking well answer my query – and the human bloody response is – absolutely no bloody response. Real FUCKING great.

Still a mere couple of days fiddling around – learning bloody things about Eudora – no normal person would want to learn – I finally solved the bloody problem – which Eudora support should have had in their bloody online advice and bloody support – as my problem was very straightforward – and would be of interest to anyone – getting spammed. Anyway I now have a filter system – that’s what Eudora calls their rules wizard, Bill – that can delete the bloody bastard virus ridden messages – straight off the server and now 90% of the spam – goes into a folder call spam.

… but the upgrades my Windows system keeps insisting that I use – seem to be giving me problems. I download and install the crucial ones – and …

.. I keep getting bothered by a thing called messenger – which seems to think I need a dubious degree – my breasts enlarged – and some urgent messages from some – married, but lonely women – who seem to need some technical help setting up a web cam service – I assume it will help them talk to each other. and …

… my automatic dial up to the internet is – well – no longer – an automatic dial-up. and …

… I keep getting error messages in my browser – asking me if I want to report errors to you – and if I say yes – or if I say no – then I lose the site – and – you know Bill – when I say yes – and send messages to you – you don’t reply – and you know how women tell us off for being like that …

… so can the next improvement – actually make my system work better Bill – I really would appreciate it.

… well look the Microsoft online help centre, or as you’ll spell it center, it does not help me. I spent 30 minutes trying to get the download clipart facility to er download the excellent – note that Bill – excellent collection of clip art.

It used to load easily and I was happy. Now it won’t and to get any of the images I have to enlarge them and send them by email to myself … and it will only let me do it one at a time .. this is not impressive Bill.

Anyway I tried reloading my software and still it didn’t work. The problem has to be something to do with the Windows 2000 upgrade that I was told was critical for my system – you remember the upgrade – the one that will only let me save web pages in .bmp format.

… and then I spent half an hour going round in circles on the help system. Every word I typed in the search found lots and lots and lots of completely irrelevant documents and solutions. As I left I was asked to fill in an online survey.

Well I rated it 1 poor out of 9 as it didn’t supply me with anything useful. … and it did supply me with a lot of stuff I didn’t need … and I had to read through a lot of stuff I didn’t understand … and when I went to get help from a real person … I was told I had to get myself a .Net passport … this took 10 minutes … and you tried to get me to activate my old Hotmail account for a fee … well I don’t need that as all I get in it is porn, porn, spam, spam … and I get that anyway … and I had to fill in my address and give my email address anyway… which means that you will be sending me junk, junk and more junk … in emails telling me how well Microsoft treats me … and then after all that

I’m told I am an oem registration … I’m told I’ve got yo get support from my Gateway dealer … well I certainly didn’t pay oem – I paid a high price for this lack of support … and I didn’t learn that until after I went through all those screens … and your help service only gives the phone numbers of Gateway in America so that’s not very useful … my local Gateway store has shut … and I hate dealing with Gateway in the UK … which is not in the UK but Ireland cos

I have to find every bloody number connected to the computer – account, invoice, serial the birthday and height of the salesman …and when I get through on tje UK nimber I get put onto a call centre which … runs me around the houses at least three times before getting me through to someone with less experience of computers than me.

… so I am not happy Bill

… and if this continues I will change the name of this image from frown to caused by Bill – and you wont like that.

Hi Bill,

Remember that automated upgrade to my Windows 2000 system. Well there is this fantastic feature which if you press down the shift button for 8 seconds – like when you are thinking or watching something on the TV – I am a multi-tasker – then this message box flashes up telling you something about a new disability feature – well at this stage Magnum got into a fight and a girl screamed – and well I clicked something on the box and it went away.

Magnum, I like quality TV, was now in a car chase – then the phone rang and well after that I then decided to go and get a cup of coffee and well I got talking and we concluded that if Ulrika Jonsson wanted to have a relationship – then she should have one with someone like us cos – if one of us said ‘I’ve slept with Ulrika Jonsson‘ no one would believe us – but then I pointed out that if I did have an affair with Ulrika Jonsson – well my wife would kill me.

And well I came back to my computer and starting typing – and watching Magnum getting patronised by that English guy who gives him a lot of grief – so I didn’t notice that although I was typing on the keyboard – that nothing was coming out on the screen – because Bill your disability thing had automatically switched itself on – and you had to press each key for around half an hour for a letter to appear.

I had forgotten about the warning message and then dismantled my mouse to clean it, climbed under the desk, banged my head, pulled my are muscles trying to stretch too far – then pulled the computer out to check the cable – the mouse was alright, but I then had to work out where the other cables are supposed to go back – got the sound system all wrong. Start again lying under the desk, my glasses fell off and leant on them with my shoulder and so I now have bent frames. I’m really going to impress at my presentation later to day. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Had another coffee. Worked out the Catherine Zeta Jones is attracted to Michael Douglas rather than me in that he’s probably better looking (not in my mirror), richer, works in the same business as her, is sophisticated and has actually met her

Checked my computer system and eventually found the control panel of the new feature and turned it off.

Good feature – not good for me – I’ve learnt yet more about the Windows 2000 system than I need.

Bloody, Bloody, Bloody

Thank you Bill

How come critical upgrades then change my system so that once again I get all your corporate garbage in my browser favourites, and shortcuts on my start menu and desktop.

Bill this is not the face of a happy customer…

… and why does your bloody Image bloody Toolbar convert ever bloody image to bloody .bmp bloody format. It took me two hours to work out the problem and the bloody Microsoft bloody help website was no bloody good. Do you bloody well understand.

And another thing why did the automated upgrade service download stuff that when it tried to install it was for an earlier version. This is not good Bill.

This is how I now feel.

Listen Bill, (I’ll close the door never mind the Gates on our relationship – at 2 in the morning this seems funny) your upgrade has completely messed up my system. When I try and pick up clip art it will only save in .bmp format. Other graphics have been defaulted to inferior Microsoft programs – or to be more precise, programs I don’t know and don’t want to know. And I’m learning far too much about the operating system. Mooooooo!!!!

Go on check out the Mad Cow site

Download the clips using ‘Save Target As’ – if the sound doesn’t work.

OK Bill Gates – I get told by my computer, when I want to log onto the internet – that I must upgrade my browser and operating system. I do and what do I find – without and discussion with me, my favourites (note proper spelling) has a whole lot of extra items, mostly american based – which I have to delete. Shortcuts to programs appear on my desktop and start menu after I have carefully organised a short time ago.

Arghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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