The Wire has started me talking differerently.

‘Yo honkey’ to white friends.

Matercopulater means person – can be acknowledgement or hostile.

me motor – father’s car
G&T – mind altering drugs
me posse – the boys down at the cricket club.
cool – mother has switched on the air conditioning

No Street cred but Culde cred (as in cul de sac)

(Whispered aside) Be careful he’s armed.

Excuse me Sir

Yes constable

Could you explain to me what you’re doing?

I’ve come here to save yon maiden from ye dragonne

Which – erm – maiden – would that be Sir.

Whye yon maiden chained to ye rock.

Ye rock – erm – that rock over there.

Whye yes.

Erm – excuse me Sir – are you aware that that is in the grounds of the Surrey Kinky and Sado Klub – and that there is a strong possibility that yon maiden – erm – that woman – is er – quite a happy – in that – erm – predicament.

Butt I am here to kill the dragonne.

Are you aware Sir – that – er – killing dragons is prohibited under the ‘Protection of Mythical Species Act 2003′

Erm – no.

Are you also aware Sir that it is an offence to carry offensive weapons.

But I am a knight – these are the tools of my crafte.

So Sir – you are working?

Slaying dragons is parte of my destiny.

Then Sir I must arrest you.

Post Script

Saint George – freelance knight – from Turkey was arrested and deported as an economic migrant.

eip infected motherboard

URGENT FISH VIRUS ALERT

Syndicat d’ Nationale Kalorique (S d’NK) the leading French Montpelier based research company developing the radical ‘electronic induced perfumery’ technology – eip – has announced that one of its ex-employees – technicians Pierre d’Estrangier – has incorporated its technology to provide a new form of PC virus – which the French have named the Virius de Poission – or ‘Fish Virus’ in English.

The Fish Virus is spread by mutating it with other viruses. Once in the PC it is difficult to detect by normal virus protection software. The easiest way to detect it is to switch on the computer – use it normally for about half an hour – and then to see if there is a smell of bad fish coming out of any of the ventilation slots.

French scientists are working on a solution to this problem – but are being hampered by lack of support from some American experts – because of the anti- French feeling at present.

TECHNICAL NOTE

eip works by controlling the heating of different electronic elements within an electronic system. S d’NK is developing systems to improve the atmosphere in air conditioned offices and public areas and is also working on developments such as the ‘happy’ and the ‘romantic’ mobile phones – which would effect the mood of the user and a ‘productive’ lap top computer – where the appropriate essence would make the user feel positive and confident.

eip stimulates the electronic system by using very fast pules mega and giga Hertz and conflicting those with very slow pulses unaHertz and decaHertz. This conflict causes specific elements to heat resulting in e-essence.

&copy 2003 the Odtaa Files

… the Odtaa Files will be more mature in the year 2003. We plan to bring you serious thought – life improving suggestions – helping you to focus on your long term goals – encouraging self development and …

So where’s the new Odtaa site then???

Well – erm

Well where the hell is it

Erm

You were down the fucking pub – again – weren’t you

Erm

Weren’t you

Shhhh – don’t talk so loud

WEREN’T YOU

Er yes

And you were lying in bed

Er..

And watching those bloody videos

Er – yes

Well shut up about being bloody mature then

Er – sorry.

Odtaa leaves and seeks relief.

- in a cup of properly made tea – from a warmed teapot – of course – with muffins – and…

… and you thought what? You should be ashamed.

… and a sergeant carrying a clip board were walking down the road.

Oi – you – the young policeman said.

What me? – I asked

Yes – you’re coming with me.

But …

He grabbed hold of me by the arm.

Hey – I said

Come along Sir – he said.

My arm was now twisted and going up my back.

I must protest – I said – arghh.

There’s no need to resist – Sir.

He started to push me.

I tried to hold my ground.

Push

I sort of shoved back

Arghhhh – I started to move backwards.

The policeman now had me in a strong grip. I couldn’t resist and he slowly guided me across the pedestrian crossing.

When we got to the other side he released his grip a little.

How was that sergeant? – he called out.

The sergeant looked up from the notes he was making on the clip board.

Good – he beamed – and what are you going to do next?

Erm – oh yes – I know.

The policeman released my arm. He smiled at me.

Then he pulled back his sleeve.

I flinched back – tensing for the blow.

He looked at and then down at his wrist.

The time is now three thirty in the afternoon precisely – he said.

He looked over the the sergeant – Is that alright?

Yes – said the sergeant – who then pulled out a pencil and started making marks – helped a member of the public across the road – check – told time to member of public – check – right – that’s the customer service training nonsense out of the way – lets go back to the station and have a lovely cup of tea – then we can meet some proper villains tomorrow.

He looked across at me and smiled

Thank you very much Sir – he said – You’ve been a great help.

I was stunned. I stood on the other side of the road and waited for them to walk off and turn round the corner – before I dared cross the road again and continue on my way home.

I suggested it had gone bust.

My wife was not amused.

Hello is that the gay and lesbian switchboard?

Yes

I want to join.

Sorry.

I want to join.

What do you want to join.

I want to sign up as a lesbian.

(suspicious) Sign up as a lesbian?

Yes

Erm.

Yes well I’ve seen the recruitment video.

(surprised) The recruitment video?

Yes, you know the one.

(puzzled) I’m sorry, I am not aware of a lesbian recruitment video.

Oh you must its..

Erm.

Its called ‘Hot Time on Lesbos’.

Hot Time on Lesbos?

Yes its about this girl that goes on holiday by herself and gets recruited by these three freindly lesbians.

But that’s porn.

No, its a realistic documentary – it says so on the label. Lesbian looks a fun thing to be.

Well I’m sorry but…

But I want to join.

You can’t join.

Why not.

Because you’re a man.

What’s that got to do with it?

Well lesbians are all woman.

I thought you were against sexual stero-typing.

At this point the line went dead.