I have a weird phobia.
I get paranoid about electrically controlled windows in cars. At the back of my mind is what would happen if the windows were down and a lion jumped on the bonnet – and I panicked – and stalled the car – and the lion ate me – because I can’t wind the windows up.
… and to think when I was in South Africa the only wild animals I saw in the game park were giraffes and a hippo – well and monkeys – and tourists – and a man on a bike with a shotgun.
Giraffes are interesting. Although they are big and stand in clearing – you often don’t see them until close to. It is usually safe to leave the windows down when they are around – as down low is difficult for them. Smuggling one through customs was quite hard – we hid it in a clump of trees.
OK electric windows My wife’s car has one million and one controls. NASA eat your heart out – so when I’ve driven this huge thing the size of a bus – through traffic – and then I am lining up to get into the car park – you know the type – where you have to get a ticket. Well this involves winding down the window. So I am in the queue – and for once I am the person at the front – holding the rest of the queue up – when it occurred to me that I have to put my hand through the window to pick up…
… the ticket being printed and pushed out in a tantalising way by the ticket machine.
Desperate search for non-existent wind down handle. Don’t find it.
Panic.
Discover that attempting to put hand through window – which has not been open – is – well – very painful.
Desperate press of buttons.
Alarms man who hooted as lights flash – wipers wipe – squirty things squirt – air blasters blast – and radio changes. Man looks away – what me press hooter – me no want to be killed by mad person. Man takes interest in the concrete of car park – a good example of neo classical National Car Park architecture I have ever seen.
Eventually find right – press – window hums – does not open.
Press button – other way – window opens a quarter of an inch.
Stab at button – window jerks down a little. Repeat – a little further down – learn the fundamental law of opening electrically controlled window keep your finger pressed down on button. Window opens.
Then I regret not doing more in maths – particularly Pythagoras – car at an angle to ticket machine – trapped in by driver behind – who is pretending I am invisible – I can’t reach the ticket – lean over – still can’t – get cramps – look back at following driver for moral support – he cowers.
Tried to open door – this is blocked by big concrete thing – to stop motorists crashing into parking ticket machine – open it a little – siddle out – one foot on ground – push body through window – stretch – get ticket – place in mouth – smile at man behind and the six or seven other cars behind.
stay within line markings
Get into seat – start car – go through barrier – go to top floor – this car is brilliant as every time you turn to go up the ramps at 8 miles an hour the tyres squeal – Starsky and Hutch – I’m with you man. Its always easy to park on the roof. Walk around – admire downtown Twickenham.
A woman appears from nowhere and gets into lift. As I get in I look the way she came – no entrance – no exit – just wall.
Ghost? – mad woman – not sure – feel tense – breathe in – cigarette smoke – solution found.
Had an entertaining time talking to the police – had a nicer time eating a bacon butty and chat with cafe manger.
“The bacon smells nice”
“Yes it does.”
“Brown or white bread?”
“Brown, please, and can I have a large cappuccino.”
Such is the fast repartee that is Pau Odtaa.
Leaving was quite uneventful except …
… for the fact I forgot which car park I was in – so…
… I went down the up ramp – tires screaming – I must have hit 9 mph on the turn – people turned to watch me – admiring my techniques I thought – until …
… I saw the down ramp.
Only went for the non-existent handle before I would the window down -and was able to hand over my money properly – except for the small coins that had fallen behind the dash board.
Arrived home safely.